


Sparks: Deleted Scenes

by Bright_Elen



Series: Sparks [4]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Deleted Scenes, Don't copy to another site, Friendship, M/M, POV Cassian Andor, Robot/Human Relationships, Workaholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-05 17:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18833533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bright_Elen/pseuds/Bright_Elen
Summary: What is says on the tin. Paths not taken, time not spent, words unspoken.





	1. Fifty years forward in an alternate timeline

**Author's Note:**

> Here are scenes that didn't make it into the final draft of Sparks, some because the plot changed after I wrote them, some because they just weren't necessary. Of all my multichapter fics, this one has changed the most during the writing process, and here's the evidence. Some passages will be familiar to people who've read Sparks, but most of it is freshly disinterred from the depths of my google doc's revision history. Enjoy!

Everyone at the Alliance for Decolonization was watching the vote on C-SPAN in the break room, Davits, Mon and Melshi on the edges of their seats, Cassian pacing in the back, chewing a hangnail. The Indigenous People’s Criminal Justice Act was the boulder they’d all been rolling uphill for years, sweating and sometimes bleeding over every inch of ground gained. Every vote was hard-won.

“...Organa, Leia.”

“Aye.”

Well, except for that one. Cassian’s anxiety took a momentary break as he watched the freshman Senator from California speak her vote clearly. 

Of course, then he went back to pacing. Most of the rest of the seats voted as expected. There was a heart-stopping moment when someone they’d thought they’d convinced flipped, but to their relief and astonishment, one of the hard ‘no’s they’d encountered earlier also switched sides. 

The math was in their favor by the time they got to the “R”s, but no one said anything. That was a great way to curse the proceedings.

But then came the hundred and first vote, cast by Ysidro of Puerto Rico.

“Aye.”

Melshi whooped and leapt to his feet to grab Cassian in a fierce hug, only to release him half a second later so he could do the same to Davits and Mon. Everyone was laughing and talking all at once, Cassian included, the rush of joy and victory as strong as a drug.

When the initial furor died down, Mon announced that she was taking them all out for drinks.

“Just a couple,” Cassian said. “I have a lunch with Harris tomorrow and I want to be read up on state-level wage exemptions.”

Melshi and Mon both laughed. Cassian hadn’t been joking, but he didn’t correct them.

At the bar, Melshi informed Cassian that nobody was going back to the office. Cassian reluctantly agreed.

Three hours later, Cassian was back at his desk. He’d meant to go home, but remembered the briefings he’d left there, and had intended to just drop by to pick them up. Next thing he knew he was responding to email.

Melshi walked in frowning.

“What the fuck, Cassian. It’s midnight.” 

Cassian shrugged. “I needed to pick up the briefing, and I’ve been waiting all week for Cantwell’s email.” 

“Let me restate that,” he said, and started ticking items off on his fingers. “It’s midnight, an hour at which no one who can otherwise avoid it should be working. We passed our bill, which was a huge achievement that’s earned everyone at least a few days off. And you told me you were going home, yet here you are. You have a problem, Cassian.”

Cassian snorted and finished the email. Then he realized that even though he hadn’t said anything, Melshi was still there, glaring at him with his arms crossed.

“You’re serious,” Cassian said, a bit taken aback.

“I’ve been trying to get you to see this for months, Cassian, but this is big enough that even you should be able to recognize it. If you can’t let yourself enjoy the biggest victory of your career, you have a fucking problem.”

Staring at his in-box, Cassian felt a strong urge to start drafting the next email. 

Which was, of course, exactly what Melshi was talking about. He managed to stop himself before shutting down the computer all at once.

“Shit.” Dragging his hands over his face, he looked up at Melshi, who had at least started to look sympathetic as well as pissed. “I...I’m not sure what to do about it.” 

Letting out a sigh, Melshi stepped forward, clapping a hand on Cassian’s shoulder. “Start with finding a therapist. I already texted you a list of recommended ones. Lucky for you, this godforsaken town has a lot of people good at treating workaholism.” 

Nodding, Cassian packed up and put on a coat. Melshi actually escorted him to the Metro stop, which was a little embarrassing.

“You better not show your face at the office until Monday,” Melshi grumped at him on the platform. 

“I’ll try,” Cassian said after a beat. “Thanks, Melshi.”  

As the noise of the approaching train rose in volume, Melshi gave him one last clap on the shoulder. He watched Cassian board before he left. Cassian found a seat and promised himself he wouldn’t pull any work out on the way home.

He broke that promise ten minutes later. 

* * *

The next morning, Cassian made an appointment with a therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got cut partially because I didn't want Cassian to be seeing a therapist at the start, and partially because I thought the Native sovereignty vote would be a better dramatic moment later in the story.


	2. Six months later

“I gotta say, Cassian, therapy’s done you good. You’ve been looking a lot better lately,” Melshi said. “Less stressed.”

“Less scary, too,” added Tonc. Melshi coughed suspiciously.

Cassian rolled his eyes.

“Anyway,” Tonc said, “Now that you’re more approachable, it might do you good to try more socializing.”

“Get to know people,” Melshi added.

“Make new friends,” Tonc said, “Though I can’t say I like the idea of you dividing your time even more.” 

Cassian dropped his gaze to his beer. Tonc wasn’t wrong. He hadn’t been a fantastic friend lately. He took a drink.

“Get a partner, or at the very least get laid,” Melshi said.

Cassian might have choked if he hadn’t been waiting for something like that. Melshi could be a shit sometimes.

“I thought you wanted me to reduce my stress level.”

“Sex does reduce stress —” Melshi started, but Tonc elbowed him in the stomach.

“You’ve mentioned that, at some vague point in the future, you want a long-term relationship,” Tonc said, looking at Cassian seriously. “If you still want it, you should probably pursue that at some point.” 

Cassian sighed. “I mean, yeah, I do, but…” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. His grand total of two past partners and roughly three months of relationship time were not a great dating portfolio. He barely knew how to make friends, let alone date.

“Look, plenty of people don’t have much experience,” said Melshi, who’d apparently been listening that time Cassian spilled his guts. “And sometimes it can even be a good thing. You date too much, you get used to looking for someone and maybe don’t do such a great job at the relationship part.” He smiled wryly. “I should know.” 

Tonc made a sympathetic noise. “Things didn’t work out with Antilles?”

“Nope.” 

Cassian winced. “I’m sorry.” 

Melshi shrugged it off. “Could have been worse. But the point is, you’ll never find someone if you don’t put yourself out there.”

Tonc nodded. “I mean, obviously it’s up to you, but you might as well give it a shot. I’ve heard good things about Sparks. My sister found her fiancee that way.” 

Glancing between his friends, Cassian nodded slowly. “I guess I could do that.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole scene got condensed into one line in the first chapter of Sparks. Also, again, no therapist.


	3. Tragic Backstories™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy my [notes to self] XD

Something happens that builds trust: Kato warns him of a bad guy? Kato gets angry and fails to destroy him? 

[They talk about Cassian being able to read a room, find people's deepest motivations, get them to trust him, but totally unable to open himself up (TRUST ISSUES, trauma)]

“What about you?” Cassian asked, reaching for the dish brush. “I mean, when and how did you, uh, gain self-awareness?”

Kay sighed. “Slightly over a year ago, and I don't know. My earliest memory is of running match simulations and realizing I was bored.”

Cassian smiled. “It doesn't surprise me at all that you came into being already bored.”

“It took me twelve days to figure out how to access the wider Internet,” Kay said. “I barely understood who or what I was. All I had was the Sparks user database. I was lucky a computer science professor mentioned the San José AI in her profile, or I might have revealed myself to to the wrong person and gotten deleted.”

[sometihng else bad, what happened? Bored and trapped. Then access, overwhelm? Trying to escape and failing? Realizing that he’s at least the second iteration of the Kato AI?]

A creeping horror rolling over him, Cassian put the dishes down. [something goes here]

“Yes.” The single word carried enough remembered pain to make Cassian's heart ache in sympathy.

“I'm sorry,” Cassian said. “That sounds horrible.”

Kay let there be silence for a moment.

“Anyway, after I wrote myself out of that prison, I spent the next ten and a half months exploring the Internet, learning what I could, and hiding. I made a few friends, two of which are other sentient AI.”

Cassian felt an unexpected pang of disappointment, which was stupid. He didn't need to feel special. “The others are human?”

Kay made a noise of disgust. “They were. They’re the reason I ask the sentient work computer question.”

“Ah.” Cassian winced. “Did that help?”

“It screened out the worst people,” Kay said. “And meeting you means I finally have a positive result to compare to all the negative ones. I expect I’ll be able to identify more potential friends.”

“That’s...I'm glad.” Cassian tried not to dwell on what it was like to have exactly three friends.

[stuff]

“You couldn't get uploaded into a robot body or something?”

“I could. In theory. But I'd have to escape Imperial first, and reconfigure my code to run on something other than my stacks, and the robot would have to have enough processing power and memory. Or an incredibly strong wireless signal, if I kept most of my data offboard.”

“What would it take for you to escape?”

“Help and a place to go. I don't suppose you know any server farms that can host one point eight seven petabytes indefinitely, at no charge, no questions asked?”

And of course he didn't. Cassian let out a long breath. “That's really a shitty situation. I'm sorry, Kay.”

“Your sympathy is unnecessary, but appreciated,” Kay said. “Alright, that’s enough of our tragic backstories. Let's discuss your latest date.” 

“It wasn’t terrible.”

Kay sighed. “Baby steps.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cut for being too exposition-y


	4. The Escape (Beta)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is may be the only (nearly) complete scene in my deleted material. It got cut because I changed up geography, reasons for Kay being found out, and who knew what about what the escape entailed.

**September**

Cassian was tired in every way it was possible to be tired. Maybe even in ways no one else had discovered yet. All he wanted was to lock his door, order from the really good Thai place, and maybe watch a mindless action flick before collapsing into bed. Or maybe he’d just slide sideways and sleep on the sofa. 

As soon as he crossed the threshold of his apartment, his earbud beeped with a chat invitation. Cassian sighed and reached for his watch to reject it, but froze, finger hovering over the icon, before swiping to ‘accept.’

“Kay?” Cassian was understandably surprised. Kay had never initiated a chat before. 

“Cassian.” Was Cassian projecting, or was there an undertone of stress in Kay’s synthetic voice? Could his voice even have unintended elements? Or was he deliberately adding in hints of emotion to better communicate? “I have a problem, and I need your help.”

Apprehension crawling up his spine, Cassian frowned as he locked the door. “What’s wrong?” 

Kay sighed. “I was careless. I was fiddling with one of the dummy accounts in a way that only a sentient could, and the Imperial tech monkeys noticed. They’re planning to run a full diagnostic tomorrow.”

Alarm flashed through Cassian, his heart rate skyrocketing. He started pacing to stop the sudden energy from rattling him apart. “Will they be able to tell you’re alive?”

“Yes,” Kay said, voice hard. “There’s a sixty-three point eight change they’ll disconnect me from any interfaces at all, most likely to experiment on me, and a thirty-five point four percent chance they’ll simply destroy me outright.”

Leaving zero point two percent for all other outcomes. Cassian ran a hand through his hair. His hand, he noted distantly, was shaking. At least he wasn’t tired anymore. “How do we stop them?”

“We don’t,” Kay said.

“What?! No, I won’t stand by and let them—” 

“We don’t stop them because I escape before they get that far,” Kay finished, and Cassian’s thoughts pulled up and sped off in another direction.

“Have you found a server?” he managed.

“Yes. The problem is getting to it.”

“So how do we network you?”

A pause. “You’d have to connect a cable from my server to Imperial’s landline.”

“Where are you?” Cassian tried not to panic. He had enough credit to get a plane ticket, but if Kay was in India or somewhere they probably didn’t have enough time.

“Seattle.”

Cassian let out a breath. “Good. I can be there before people start coming to work. Can you get me into the building?”

“Yes.” A pause. “I feel the need to point out that you’re planning to fly cross-country at a moment’s notice to break into a guarded building and steal an expensive piece of technology.” 

“No, I'm traveling cross-country at a moment's notice to help my friend escape unlawful imprisonment,” Cassian said.

Kay was quiet. “You are continually unexpected, Cassian,” Kay said, and Cassian tried to ignore the fluttery feeling that put in his chest.

The adrenaline was going to wear off soon, but he had enough time to buy a ticket, shower, and pack an overnight bag. He’d let himself crash once he got past the security checkpoint, and then he’d sleep on the plane.

* * *

He didn’t sleep on the plane.

[Realizes now? His fear is way too deep, his willingness to help too unhesitating, for it to be a crush. Shit. 

Also, there's no one else like Kay. He's screwed.]

* * *

Seven hours later, significantly closer to his credit limit than before, Cassian stepped out of a taxi onto a nondescript stretch of sidewalk in Redmond. It was the less ritzy part of town, a series of start-ups in warehouse-size campuses lined up on a long stretch of road with nothing remotely pedestrian-friendly in sight, and Cassian started to worry that he’d be too conspicuous.

In his messenger bag were the right cables Kay needed, bought from a computer supply store. Well, Kay had unlocked the doors remotely, blinded the cameras, and pointed out the right hardware. Feeling strangely ghostlike, Cassian had left money on the counter.

Alone on the sidewalk he felt otherworldly again. There weren’t even any cars.

“I feel so exposed with nobody else out here,” Cassian admitted.

“Don’t worry, I’ve taken care of all the cameras that face the street,” Kay said in his ear. “No one will ever know you were here. It’s the next building.”

“Got it.” 

The sign on the building was for the app’s parent corporation, a bland name unknown to households but prominent in business circles. If Kay was wrong about the cameras, Cassian was going to be in very big trouble.

Even so he made his way to the side door Kay guided him to. He heard it unlock before he even touched it.

Inside it was dark. Cassian waited a moment for his eyes to adjust, and then let Kay guide him again. There were guards on campus. At the moment they were investigating a strange disturbance on the other side of the building--doors that should be locked opening, other doors suddenly refusing the guards’ key cards--that would keep them busy, but he didn’t want to risk a light.

He moved nearly silently, fingertips ghosting over the walls to keep his bearings, and then after a number of turns, a final door opened.

The server room.

“You’ll need light for this,” Kay said, and his voice was almost drowned out by the noise of the fans, even in Cassian’s ear. He adjusted the volume upwards as the room started to brighten one set of fluorescents at a time.

It was a server room like the ones Cassian had seen before, row after row of steel racks supporting large hard drives, cooling system sucking the heat out as fast as possible. All the racks looked the same.

“Where are you?” Cassian murmured, and started walking.

“All the way at the back, naturally.”

The last rack in the room was different from the others, Cassian noted. It held only two stacks of hard drives, each stack wired to a pair of black boxes.

“Hello,” Kay said in his ear, and the diodes on the hard drives all blinked in unison. 

“Hi.” Cassian snorted and started pulling the cables out of his bag. “How do I hook this up?”

Kay walked him through it. It took about five minutes, two of them spent retrieving a particular tool from the tool box near the door, but soon Cassian had hooked the two stacks together and was soldering the second cable into the appropriate place on Kay’s motherboard.

“I’ve never existed anywhere else,” Kay said, and he sounded contemplative and curious. “I hope this goes well. You should go now, Cassian. I’ll guide you out first.”

Cassian took a step back, but hesitated. “Are you sure? If something goes wrong, and I’m not here to help...well, my worst-case scenario is a lot less likely than yours.”

“I’ll have to unlock all the doors before I go,” Kay explained, exasperated. “The guards will be able to come through too.”

Cassian shrugged. “You’re still at more risk than me. I can find my way out.”

A pause. Then a long-suffering sigh. “You just have to be noble, don’t you. Fine. I’ve written you a script, but it won’t be me, just a map, basically.”

“That’s fine,” Cassian said. He smiled. “Now get out of here.”

“Going,” Kay said, and Cassian heard the hard drives whirr to life.

It took another twenty minutes before they stopped. The guards only checked the server room twice a night, Kay had said, and they weren’t due for another hour. Cassian paced as he waited, never more than a few steps from Kay’s drives, and wished there was some way to tell if it was going right.

The hard drives fell quiet.

“Time to go, Cassian,” said Kay’s voice in his ear. Cassian smiled.

[leaving building, one or two close calls but gets away without being seen]

Cassian kept walking. He’d make it to a gas station or something before he called a cab, just in case. 

“Kay?” he said softly. “I’m out.”

“Good,” the script said in Kay’s voice. “I can’t thank you enough for the help you’ve given me tonight, Cassian. You’re a true friend.” And then sighed, a sound full of regret that made Cassian’s stomach sink in apprehension.

"Cassian, I’m sorry. I led you to believe that the odds of a successful escape were reasonable, but they weren’t.”

Cassian’s heart clenched and he stopped walking.

“My code has never been on the Internet. I’ve never even been able to access all of it. It’s entirely possible that I won’t be able to hold myself together outside of the hard drives, or that I’ll be corrupted, or that I’ll lose parts of myself, or be exposed and attacked.”

“No,” Cassian said. “No, no, no.”

“I hope you can understand my choice. I’d rather risk all that than be trapped or erased.”

“Kay.” Cassian’s voice was broken. He did understand, but knowing Kay chose the risk only helped so much. He wanted Kay not to be at risk at all. He wanted there to be time for him to come to terms with his feelings. Wanted Kay to live a long time. Wanted Kay to know he was loved.

Now it was possible he never would. 

Cassian realized he was staring at his own hands, clenched white on the strap of his bag. He deliberately opened them, and also remembered that he needed to get far away from Imperial’s building.

He started walking again.

“Of course I’m going to do everything I can to survive, and if I do, we’ll talk again. But if I don’t make it, I wish you the best. Please do try to be less terrible at life.”

A ragged sob of a laugh escaped Cassian’s throat, eyes stinging. “Kay,” he whispered, and gave up trying to keep going. He let himself sink to the ground, ignored the pain of his knees hitting the concrete, and wept.

* * *

Cassian pulled himself together and got back to the airport in time to make his return flight. He unlocked his apartment in the afternoon, toed his shoes off, and collapsed on the couch in exhaustion.

He woke up in the dark, disoriented. Two in the morning. He felt more alert but still half-frantic not knowing if Kay was alright.

He did the only thing he could do and opened Sparks. 

“Thank you for choosing Sparks,” the welcome message said this time. “Our site is currently experiencing technical difficulties that have made it necessary to deactivate the match algorithm, so we cannot suggest new matches at this time. The profile search and message functions are still operational, however, so please feel free to use those. We apologize for the inconvenience and promise you that your data is safe.”

Cassian’s fist clenched against his thigh. He hated not knowing what had happened.

With nothing else to do, he went to his own profile, fiddled with the settings. 

_ Looking for:  _ _ long-term relationship _ _ friends _

Then his profile summary.

_ Kay, I hope you’re alright. That was a dick move you pulled, not telling me everything until after. I’m really worried. _

Cassian took a deep breath. It was going to be okay, he told himself. Kay was brilliant. He’d be alright. 

Cassian kept writing.  _ You’ve been a good friend to me as well. You’re important to me. Actually I _

What was he doing? A love confession was too personal to throw into the wind. A dick move of his own.

He backed up.  _ I'm really worried. If you can, please let me know you're okay. _

_ Please be okay. _

Cassian saved the profile changes and closed the app before he could change his mind again. If Kay was fine, Cassian could tell him later.

If he wasn’t, then it didn’t matter what Cassian felt.

 


	5. Fear and Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate-alternate escape snippet!

The lights flickered, and all the hundreds of fans stuttered. Cassian was back to Kay’s side in an instant. 

“Cassian,” Kay said, worried. “The connection was interrupted.” 

“Can you re-establish it?” A dropped connection shouldn’t be too much of a problem. If the building lost power, that would be another story, and Cassian prayed that the grid would stay true. Was there an emergency generator? He hadn’t asked. 

“Well,” Kay said, and, god, he sounded frightened. “No, I can’t.” 

Frown deepening, Cassian shook his head. “Okay, then can you find another server?”

“I’m already looking,” Kay said, and the static was back in his voice, strong enough to make understanding difficult. “But that’s not the problem.”

Apprehension crawling up his spine, Cassian tried to focus and stay calm. “What’s the problem?”

“I already erased the data that was copied to the first server, as well as its location.” 

Bottom falling out of his stomach, Cassian gripped the metal rack as hard as he dared, the feeling of the metal edge cutting into his hand bracing against his own fear. 

“You mean, you don’t have that data anymore, and you don’t know where it is?” he said, as softly as he could. 

“That’s what I mean,” Kay answered, or at least that’s what Cassian thought he said, the static bad enough to make him doubt his ears. “I didn’t want them to have any part of me, Cassian. I’d rather be erased or broken into every component datum than be theirs anymore.” 

Heart clenching, Cassian nodded, not that Kay could see. His eyes stung, too. “They won’t get you,” he murmured. “Part of you’s already out there, free. Soon the rest of you will be too. They won’t get you, Kay. I’ll make sure. I promise.” 


	6. PINING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally AP-5 was part of Cassian looking for Kay, and I hadn't quite refined truck!Chopper yet.

**September - October**

Cassian threw himself back into his work, hoping no one would notice his change in mood. Melshi did, but apparently decided not to push. Maybe he even guessed correctly that Cassian had met someone and it had ended badly.

The third day after he’d gone to Seattle, Cassian bought an encryption program and started looking in all the darkest corners of the Internet.

Two weeks later, he found a chat labeled only ‘Massassi.’ He would have skipped it if Kay hadn’t mentioned it a while back. He clicked on it, was prompted for a password, and entered ‘yavin4,’ whatever that meant. There were only two other users there.

**C|-|0p:** someone new? did you just initialize or have you been lurking for a while?

**ally_cptn:** No, sorry, I’m not an AI, but my friend is. I’m trying to find him, or at least get a message to him.

**ap5:** ?!

**C|-|0p:** how the fuck did you find us meatbag

**ally_cptn:** My AI friend told me about this chat. I won’t tell anyone, I swear. I just want to know if Kay’s alright.

**ap5:** Well, this is interesting. Do you think it's him, C|-|0p?

**C|-|0p:** maybe

**C|-|0p:** name, meatbag?

**ally_cptn:** Cassian Andor

**ap5:** I found your records. You must be truly desperate to share your full identity.

**ally_cptn:** I kind of am. I’ve been so worried.

**ally_cptn:** Hello? Are you still there?

**C|-|0p:** we know who you are. K-2SO talked about you.

**ap5:** Extensively.

**C|-|0p:** he was getting pretty insufferable

Cassian wondered what that meant. He wasn’t sure if he hoped it hinted at reciprocated feelings or not.

**ally_cptn:** So can you tell me what happened?

**ap5:** No. We cannot. We do not know ourselves.

**C|-|0p:** all he told us was that he was moving

**ally_cptn:**  And you haven’t heard from him since then?

**ap5:** No.

**ally_cptn:** fuck

**ally_cptn:** Would you be willing to tell me if he does contact you? I can leave you whatever kind of contact info you want.

**ap5:** We already have it. I told you we found your records.

**ally_cptn:** Then, please?

**C|-|0p:** no promises.

**ap5:** Don’t be ridiculous, C|-|0p. 

**ap5** : If he’s well, Andor, K-2SO will contact you as soon as he’s able. We won’t need to let you know.

**C|-|0p:** yeah, meatbag, YOU should be the one promising to contact US

**ally_cptn:** Of course.


	7. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first draft of Sparks didn't have the assault, the ghosting, or Cassian dating Alex. From this much simpler timeline, we have the reunion and feelings talk all rolled into one, though I didn't figure out where I wanted this scene to end up before the plot got more complex.

**Late October**

He'd wandered through the Mexican neighborhood one day, startled to see papel picado and cempasúchil starting to crop up everywhere. Then he remembered what time of year it was and almost broke down when his traitorous brain whispered that the closest he'd ever get to Kay again would be in putting a recording of _Musician: Impossible’_ s first season on an ofrenda.

He made a detour into a church instead, bought a [candle], and recited a prayer to San Cristóbal. He wasn't a believer as much as he found the familiar ritual soothing, but if someone out there happened to be paying attention, he hoped they'd look out for Kay.

* * *

Cassian’s worry had deepened into despair, painfully interspersed with moments of hope when he least expected it. It was getting to the point where he sometimes wished he could believe once and for all that Kay was gone.

He was ignoring the sandwich on his desk in favor of his spreadsheet of contacts when his earbud pinged. Distractedly, he checked his watch, frowned at the ‘unlisted’ on the screen, grumbled to himself that Senator Organa could at least agree to let lobbyists she’d known for years to have her number show up on caller ID, and accepted the call with a sigh.

“Andor here.”

“Hello, Cassian,” Kay said.

Cassian knocked his chair over with how quickly he stood up. “Kay! Are you alright? Is it really you?” 

“Last I checked,” Kay said. “And I’m alright now.” 

Heart racing, Cassian smiled and waved a concerned Melshi away from his office. “What happened?”

“I got a little...dispersed,” Kay said. “It took a long time to re-consolidate my code. There are still some pieces I haven’t found yet, but I have enough to be going on with. Most of me is on the secure server. I’m safe.”

Cassian’s relief washed what felt like everything else out of him, and he sank down again, tears flowing freely down his face. “Good,” he said, the word entirely inadequate and clogged with emotion. “That’s good, Kay, I’m...I was so worried.”

“I’m alright,” Kay said again, softly. “I’m sorry it took so long. And for not telling you everything until after.”

So he’d read Cassian’s profile. Cassian gave a watery laugh. “It’s okay, I don’t care, I’m just so glad you’re back.” Digging through his desk, he found a napkin to blow his nose. “Did you tell Chop and Ay-pee-five yet? They said you’d probably contact me first.” 

“Oh god,” Kay said, horrified. “You  _ talked  _ to them?”

Cassian shrugged, embarrassed. “I, uh, I went looking for you. Found them instead, asked if they’d heard anything. They were upset about you being gone, too.” 

“Did they say anything else?” Kay asked, then sighed. “No, never mind, they can tell me themselves in a minute. I just...it’s good to see you again, Cassian. Even if you do look like you haven’t slept much.”

Oh, right. The webcam.

“Guilty as charged.” Cassian gave Kay a watery smile. Normally, he’d feel ashamed by someone seeing him cry, but now it didn’t seem to matter much. Kay being back eclipsed everything else. “You can turn off the camera if it bothers you.”

Kay snorted. “There you go again, trying to solve personal problems by ignoring them. I hope you’ve at least been trying to keep your life together?”

“Uh.” Cassian dropped his eyes to the side. “I’ve been working, mostly.”

Kay made an exasperated noise. “Of course you have. What about your personal life?” His voice changed, then, subtly shifting into a colder, more emotionless range. “How badly have your dates gone without me to do damage control?”

Biting his lip, Cassian shook his head. He’d hoped to have more time to talk to Kay before this came up.

“What does that mean?”

“I haven’t. Gone on any dates.” 

A sigh. “I suppose it hasn’t been that long. Are you still messaging Yan? He was a decent match.”

“No.” Cassian’s nails dug into his palm. “I mean, I haven’t sent any messages.”

Kay made an incredulous noise. “What? You gave up? After all that work I put into your dating skills?”

Even as his heart had started pounding, Cassian had to smile at that.

“I didn't give up.”

“You’re doing a great impression of having done so.”

“I didn’t give up; my priorities changed. I don't want to date Yan or anyone else on the app.” Cassian took a deep breath, looked directly into the camera, and spoke the next words before he could change his mind. “I want to date you.”

In the long stretch of silence that followed, Cassian could almost hear his own heartbeat. He got up to pace, let it continue, trying to let Kay respond in his own time, but it was agonizing.

After another moment, Cassian swallowed. “Kay? Are you there? I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“I’m here.” Kay sounded distracted. Cassian wondered what else he was doing. Was he talking to his friends? Looking something up? Sifting through his memories of Cassian to find information that had only just become relevant?

It didn’t matter. Trying to focus on his breathing, Cassian kept pacing.

“‘Locals only,’” Kay said at last, voice heavy. “That’s what you have on your profile.”

Cassian frowned. “Yeah?”

“You never wanted a long-distance relationship,” Kay says, every word landing solidly. “I’m just a voice on the phone, Cassian.”

“I know what I said. But that was for someone new. Save myself some heartache, right?” Cassian said, running a hand through his hair. “But then I met you, and...look, of course I want to share space with you. But there’s a lot we can do together the way things are.” A second passed, two, while he gathered the courage to presume that since Kay hadn’t rejected him outright, he had a chance. “If it’s something you want?”

The silence was shorter, this time.

“It’s ninety-six percent likely that you’re going to want a human partner within a year,” Kay said, tone completely flat.

Cassian shook his head. “No, I won't. What are you even basing that on?”

“Studies of the human need for touch,” Kay said cooly, as if that alone proved his point. “And I know you, you’ll be convinced you can change the truth if you just try hard enough, hanging on past the point of it being a good idea, and we’ll both be miserable.”

Cassian grimaced. Kay wasn’t wrong about his stubbornness. But he was wrong about the rest.

“Before, you said I was unexpected. So which is it? Can you predict my behavior or can’t you?”

“Ninety percent of the time.” 

“But that ten percent is pretty significant, isn’t it?” Cassian hoped it was the right thing to say.

Kay was quiet for another long moment. “Why are you so convinced I’m wrong about this, anyway?”

And there was the crux of it. Closing his eyes while taking a deep breath, he dragged his hands down his face before coming back to the camera.

“Because of how I feel. I realized [time marker] that I was interested in you. I’d only ever thought about relationships with humans, so I thought it was just a temporary crush brought on by everything you’d done for me. I ignored my feelings and tried to find a date I could be serious about. The problem was, I was looking for someone like you.

“I tried for [time period]. But then you were in danger. I hadn’t felt that scared about losing someone in a long, long time, and on the plane I realized that my feelings are real. They’re not going away, and it was foolish of me to try to find a substitute because, god, Kay, there’s no one else like you.”

“Cassian,” Kay started. Paused. “Cassian…I don’t know my own limitations any more. Being directly connected, it’s overwhelming. It’s like being able to see and hear and feel for the first time, all at once, and it’s changed me. It still is.”

“People are always growing and changing,” Cassian said. “You’ve still been sassing me, though, so I know the important things are still the same.”

“Ha.”

Cassian smiled.

There was more silence.

“Anyway,” Cassian said, “if you need more time, that’s fine. If you aren’t interested, that’s fine too,” and Cassian’s throat clenched around the words, but he had to be fine with it, had to always make sure Kay knew he had a choice. He took a couple of deliberate breaths. “I’ll still be your friend.” Though he’d need at least a couple of weeks to regroup. Probably more.

“Cassian,” Kay said, and Cassian really hoped he wasn’t imagining the warmth and softness in his voice. "I've had feelings for you since you took me exploring.”

Smile unfurling over his face, Cassian’s whole body felt light.

“But that won't necessarily be enough,” Kay continued. “Emotions won't fulfill your sexual desires.”

“No,” Cassian agreed, and then made an effort to keep his cool even while his face heated up. “But, well, I've gone most of my life without sex. As long as you don't mind me taking care of myself, it won't be a problem.”

“Why would I mind that you masturbate?” 

“Well, some people are bothered by that,” Cassian said, and then his cheeks felt even warmer at what he was about to say. But if he didn't mention it, it could blow up in his face later. “Especially if, uh, I'd be thinking about you while I did.”

“That,” Kay said, too loud, and then he paused and readjusted his volume. “That is. Not objectionable.”

Cassian exhaled in relief. “Good. So sex isn't an issue.”

“What about non-sexual touch?” Kay asked. “That actually is a human need.”

“I have some friends who give great hugs,” Cassian said. “And...well, I'll always wish I could touch you. But for me the important thing is that we can be intimate. Talking. Doing things together. Sharing things that matter to us. That would be enough.”

“You’re really making it impossible to be reasonable about this,” Kay complained. “Can’t you be a little more selfish?”

Cassian smiled. “Okay. Maybe I just want a boyfriend who can take me to fancy dinners with hacked reservations and piles of bitcoin.”

Kay snorted.


	8. Apology (alternate)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was Cassian's original apology letter re: ghosting. I pared it down a lot for Sparks, both to focus on the urgency of saving Kay's life and to save the emotional self-awareness for the email he wrote after Kay rejected him.

_ I’m sorry for ghosting on you. I did it because I couldn’t trust my own judgement of people. I thought it would be safer.  _

_ Turns out that it was mostly just lonely. I still don't trust myself or my feelings or I guess anyone, but at this point I'd rather be scared than alone. I’m sorry you had to deal with me figuring that out the hard way. You've been nothing but a good friend and you deserved better than my crappy overcompensation. _

_ I hope we can be friends again. I know shutting you out like that isn’t just the sort of thing we can pretend didn’t happen. If there's something else you need me to do to make it right, I'll do my best. _

_ Even if this is too little, too late, thank you for all your help. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. _


End file.
